‘Santa cinema,’ good and bad

Bill Knight column for Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, Dec. 18, 19 or 20

The guy would have to be a saint to endure the images Hollywood gives him.

Fortunately, he is.

St. Nicholas is depicted in movies as a "cuddly Kris Kringle," a hard-working and caring character, the North Pole's Henry Ford -- whose assembly line churns out toys -- and an addle-brained, overgrown elf. A few films even exploit him for evil.

The living Kris Kringle -- the ultimate Special K -- has been achieved, too. The original “Miracle on 34th Street” remains one of the best-loved characterizations of the genuine article.

Santa as industrialist was first shown in Laurel and Hardy's 1934 comedy “March of the Wooden Soldiers,” based on a Victor Herbert operetta. Here, Santa’s is a deadline-conscious toymaker, as a grouchy tycoon threatens Bo Peep’s mom. Disney remade it in 1961 as “Babes in Toyland” (with Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon), retaining Santa-as-manufacturer.

“Silent Night, Deadly Night” (and sequels) features killers wearing Santa getups, and “Bad Santa” is equally uncomfortable, but Hollywood's overwhelming, overpowering image of Santa is the magical mix of myth and fantasy. Whether cranking out old-fashioned toys or battling Martians, there's an unstoppable, sentimental side to St. Nick that no filmmaker can truly tarnish, even “The Year without A Santa Claus (with Mickey Rooney as S.C.) or “Fred Claus” (starring Paul Giamatti as Santa and Vince Vaughn as his nasty older brother).

Apart from Will Ferrell’s charming, enduring “Elf,” with Ed Asner as St. Nick, here are 10 pieces of Santa Cinema, familiar and obscure, good as candy canes (+) and bad as lumps of coal (-):

+ “Call Me Claus” (2001). Whoopi Goldberg stars in this pleasant hybrid of Santa films, sort of “Miracle on the Santa Clause.” As a grouchy producer at a home shopping network, Goldberg hires an actor to play St. Nick on cable. Of course, he’s the Real Thing – but he’s facing mandatory retirement.

- “The Life Life and Adventures of Santa Claus” (2000). Based on Santa tales by L. Frank Baum (author of the Oz stories), this little-known cartoon features the voices of Robby Benson, Hal Holbrook and Dixie Carter.

+ “March of The Wooden Soldiers” (1934). A Victor Herbert operetta was the basis for this hilarious Laurel and Hardy feature about Santa's workshop, magic and evil in the Land of Old King Cole, where a mortgage holder blackmails the “Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe.”

+ “Miracle on 34th Street” (1947). This post-war fairy tale features Maureen O’Hara and John Payne, Natalie Wood and Edmund Gwenn (in his Oscar-winning performance), PLUS terrific support from Jerome Cowan, Gene Lockhart, William Frawley, Porter Hall, a bit by Jack Albertson, and uncredited appearances by Thelma Ritter and Jeff Corey.

- “Mrs. Santa Claus” (1996). Angela Lansbury has the title role in this escapist TV-movie musical about Mrs. Claus feeling neglected during the pre-Christmas rush, taking the sleigh out for a spin, and getting stranded. Charles Durning is Santa.

- “Santa Claus” (1959). Santa gets some help from Merlin, the Arthurian magician, to stop Satan from ruining Christmas. A cheap, cheesy production from Mexico, it shows nice children helping fight evil, plus mechnical reindeer dispatched from Santa’s castle high above the North Pole, while naughty kids help a demon named Pitch. Santa has to use his Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster.

+ “Santa Claus: The Movie” (1985). Character actor David Huddleston (familiar from countless westerns, including “Blazing Saddles”) is outtstanding as St. Nick in a big production co-starring John Lithgow as a greedy tycoon and Dudley Moore as a runaway elf.

- “Santa Claus Conquers The Martians” (1964). This classic B-movie features Martians kidnapping St. Nick (John Call) so Mars’ kids will be able to enjoy him. A weird polar bear, killer robots, an apparently intoxicated St. Nick and young Martians played by child actors (including a young Pia Zadora) are featured.

+ “The Santa Clause” (1994). For decades now, this and its two sequels have featured Tim Allen as a divorced dad and toy exec who stumbles into the mystique of Santa. The original comedy about priorities and the holiday spirit co-stars Judge Reinhold and David Krumholtz co-star.

- “Santa Who?” (2000). This TV movie stars Leslie Nielsen as St. Nick, who falls out of his sleigh and hits his head, developing amnesia. An inquisitive reporter complicates matters.

Ho, ho, ho!