My annual New Year’s letter to my son

Bill Knight column for Dec. 27, 28 or 29, 2018

Dear Russell:

I realize you’re not a regular churchgoer, but among hundreds of observations and memories I cherish from your youth was the day of your Confirmation, when this anxious dad turned from receiving the Eucharist and saw you in the front pew, waving and smiling in a reassuring way, as if to say, “Hey! How’s it going?”

I thought of this when I happened upon a rerun of “Gone with the Wind,” where Rhett Butler famously dismisses Scarlett O’Hara, saying, “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

You’re no Rhett Butler, thank God. You care. Your passion always showed compassion. However, you and your generation have been pummeled by times so fraught with anxiety and stupidity that helplessness and fury, frustration and exasperation can erode anyone’s knack for compassion.

So, please, in this yearly note, let me return the favor of reassurance.

Most of us now deal with fear, indifference or isolation, and it doesn’t matter if it’s because of Donald Trump or Artificial Intelligence. An effective shield is empathy, when people identify with, try to understand, and share others’ situations, to “sense the hurt or the pleasure of another,” as psychologist Carl Rogers said, “as if [you] are hurt or pleased.”

Feeling others’ needs, pains and joys helps societies hold together, and helps victims get by and species survive. We can care about our fellow citizens, whether victims or villains, participants or witnesses, taxpayers or asylum-seekers, “us” or “them” – Others.

Humans instinctively empathize and feel common ground, at church or the gym, with social groups or about sports, in checkout lines or places like the Chicago “speakeasy” you frequent. But dangers and divisions threaten such instincts, so empathy needs nurturing – especially as the country faces climate change, authoritarianism, income inequality, attacks on unions or immigrants, voter suppression, etc.

Such problems – such crises – can force us inward, to a “safe zone” inside our heads, separate from outsiders, literally: Others. It’s increasingly common. As progressive evangelical Christian Jim Wallis said in Sojourners, “Our country has developed a very large empathy deficit.”

However, your empathy – to family and friends, animals and colleagues, clients and strangers – was noticeable for decades. You always gave money to beggars, for instance; other fond recollections are your caressing infants when you were just a toddler and taking the initiative to visit a younger kid in the hospital when you were an adolescent.

A widespread decline in empathy can lead to “social Darwinism,” that cutthroat version of Darwin’s theory of evolution by natural selection that “only the strongest survive.” Indeed, as British novelist J.K. Rowling, the Harry Potter author, said, “Those who choose not to empathize enable real monsters, for without ever committing an act of outright evil ourselves, we collude with it, through our own apathy.”

Turning to Scripture (bear with me), Mark reported that Jesus “saw a great crowd and he had compassion.” Luke wrote, “When the Lord saw her, he had compassion.” James’ letter noted, “mercy triumphs over judgment.” And 1 Peter preached, “All of you, have unity of spirit, sympathy, love for one another, a tender heart and a humble mind.”

From this father’s perspective, you’ve always shown empathy, however heartfelt, hilarious or irreverent it’s been expressed. You’ve looked to appreciate all walks of life, too, which reminds me of the comment by the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., who said in 1956 (the year Mom was born), “If you are called to be a street sweeper, sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. Sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and Earth will pause to say, ‘Here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well!’ ”

Wallis outlined the challenge of maintaining compassion, saying, “Empathy can only be accomplished through the forging of authentic relationships between people of different races, classes, gender, sexual orientations and political views.”

You’re accomplishing a lot from work as a lawyer to play as a Cubs season-ticket holder, and as I praise your heart, I encourage your mind to resist the temptation of jaded detachment and restore the eager/innocent empathy you’ve shown for years.

“How’s it going?”

Love,

Dad